Some thoughts on: Wrestlemania: The Album

Throughout pretty much my entire childhood I was a big fan of wrestling. I discovered the character through Hulk Hogan's Rock n' Wrestling and later was introduced to actual wrestling by my Aunt Joan when she rented the 88 Survivor Series and watched it with me one night. From that point on I was a big fan of the WWF and it's cast of colourful characters. So much so, in fact that in 1993 when the superstars of the WWF got together to record Wrestlemania: The Album, it was number one on my Christmas list.

Because I have a cool mom, (who also liked wrestling) she knew how important it was for me to get this tape and lo and behold Christmas morning I woke up and unwrapped Wrestlemania the Album and wrestled it out of one of those cases they had at HMV that put the tape at the top of a weird plastic tower. You know the ones right? Why did tapes come in those things?

Zoom to present day. I am at work and want to hear some cool music. Why not throw on the youtube version of the song "Wrestlemania" from Wrestlemania the Album, I think. So ok, listen to this




Ok, so a few things.

I never realized how dumb it was before, but they open up Wrestlemania: The Album with a song called Wrestlemania that opens with a guy saying "Are you readyyy for the SURVIVOR SERIES!?" The answer to this question is yes, obviously I am ready for the Survivor Series, but I thought this was wrestlema- oh ok then the guy comes in and says "it's 93 it's time for Wrestlemania-ania-ania" oh ok fine.

So after being told to pump it up a few times we get to the part where the wrestlers contribute to the songs. No, not by crooning a melody or even singing about wrestling type things, (turnbuckles, steel chairs etc.) its just wrestlers cutting really poor promos about how they're going to kick your ass - and just to be clear, this is entirely what this album is.



First up is Hacksaw Jim Duggan with this gem of a "lyric": "Take a look what you got now, that's Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and when you get into the ring I'll show you how to get beat up!"
SO I don't get it. Does this mean that when I get into the ring, you're going to get beat up like as an example? You'd think someone recording this audio like in a studio or whatever would be like, "Uh Hacksaw, that sounds like you're the one going to get beat up, so lets try that again!" Where as instead the WWF paid a guy minimum wage to record this in his basement and when Hacksaw laid down that turd of a promo the guy said "Duggan, that was perfect, now help yourself to that bag of cheetos but don't touch any of those mountain dews."


Next up is Tatanka: "The way Tatanka sees it, to climb, to the top, in the World Wrestling Federation, Tatanka, will be, successful." First of all Tatanka, this is not a plan to get to the top of the WWF. You started that like you were going to tell us how to be successful but then your plan just to "be successful". Sort of a given isn't it? In order to be successful you have to, well, BE successful. Sure I guess, but instead why didn't you just say nothing at all? Oh wait, that’s exactly what you just did.


Ok so this next one is long so I'll skip typing it out, it's the Big Boss Man and for some reason they let him drone on about how all he ever wanted to do was be a cop, basically. Well I got news for you, fake cop wrestler, you didn't achieve your goals. You are a fake cop wrestler. Stop telling me to be a cop when you're not even a cop, man.

So far Wrestlemania the song is sort of a dud, I mean sure, it has a pretty cool hip-hop beat but really not much else going for it, Straight up wrong intro mixed with peculiarly worded wrestler quotes does not a hit single make. Also, it doesn't get any better as you listen to the rest of the song. One of the Nasty Boys says he's going to cram "Nasty Stuff" down my throat all though '93 (Which thankfully just didn't happen) and Bret Hart comes on and yells at you about how he is the champion. Oh and another boring rant from the Boss Man about how he likes to follow rules. All in all, this is one musical song that has lost its luster in the eyes of this blogger.